Disclaimer: I am writing this for people to understand more about confidence, I believe that I am one of the most people who have been in this roller coaster. I think I am starting to solve my problem, and what is a better way to level up than to share with my readers. 7 years ago I started gaining my weight back, the weight that
took me about a year to lose it. I gained that weight because of very emotional
reasons, I was doing the classic emotional eating stuff. I was 170 CM and 75
kilos seemed very fat to me, I saw myself hideous in the mirror when my clothes
at 60 kilos didn't fit me. Little did I know, that seeing myself that fat with
no guidance and very little self-confident will lead me to more emotional
eating. I became the girl known for her on again off again dieting, I am always
on a different starving trend and I am always looking for new technique. From a
dietian clinic to the next, I was lost between low calories and binging. I used
to wear my home clothes to the outside, spend days not washing my hair or using
my toiletries. I didn't feel like it would matter with how “ugly” I saw myself.
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| 2006 |
All that time I thought that the main purpose was to lose
weight and fit into my old clothes. I had a little secret, which Fashion
Blogger Jenn from Clothes Encounters made me feel like its OK to share it. I
used to have a folder filled with pictures of random girls, and these girls
were what I want to be. Mostly being thin and looking happy, that wasn't who I
am and I thought that being thin will help me like them … happy. Little did I
know, I was sinking more and more into the emotional eating trap. For me
confidence was something, only thin girls owned. Then came the ani-mia society.
For you who are not familiar with ani-mia, ani stands for anorexia and mia
stands for bulimia. I was living in a
world of looking at women who are starving themselves to look “beautiful” and
feel “confident”, while I was binge eating just because I didn't feel I could
ever be that thin or “beautiful”. I was trying to fit in smaller clothes, I
took on looking off over wearing clothes my size.
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| 2008 |
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| 2009 |
The 75 kilos range was far gone and reached the 99 kilos
milestone. I would call it a milestone, because by then I decided that I going
to take confidence from my work. I threw myself inside my work, and I let it
define who I am. When it was time to choose between leaving my work or leveling
up, my biggest motive to level up was the question “Who am I without my work?”.
Driven by my low self-esteem, my emotional eating got worse and worse. My work
was starting to be effected with my confidence level and I was treating people
around me out of insecurity. I started to be known for my overreaction and my
awkwardness. Then I saw it, the big 119 kilos on the scale. My on and off
dieting didn’t stop, in fact it got worse and worse. Stretch marks and cellulite
were alerts that drove me to more emotional eating and less confidence. I
summed up confidence in thin people who are cool and not awkward, basically everything
I am not.
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| 2011 |
Let me tell you what happens when you sum confidence in a stereotype
you are not near, you start hating yourself. My last resort for confidence was
the illusion of love, I had a belief that being in love will help me be
confident. Maybe because I have someone who is interested in me, would mean
that I am desirable maybe funny or smart or “beautiful”. I was looking for
someone else to drive my confidence, and that’s one of the fatal mistakes
anyone can do. When you do that, you either fall in the illusion of love with
someone who doesn’t understand you and is not right for you or someone who will
use your low self-esteem. I always had this one thing in mind, I wouldn’t buy
nice clothes because I am fat and they will look bad on me. I always had this
idea that I will buy the nice brands when I am thin and beautiful. I had so
little belief in my talents as a designer, a writer or a creative.
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| 2012 |
Over a year ago I started working for a new place and
started this blog, it was something just for me to have a place where I can do something
I love. Slowly it made me feel like I am capable of doing amazing things without
pressure. When I had the unfortunate accident that created my bulge desk, I
was asked to lose weight which I actually started right away. I wanted to lose
weight for my health and for my confidence. My problems at work and private
life drove me to more emotional eating, at this point I started clarifying
things in my head. I am in a loophole, everything is leading to the other and
that’s why I am not able to get out. I have low self-esteem, I struggle with my
looks, and I present myself poorly, which leads to my low self-esteem. I am so embarrassed
to have a full shot for myself, I always think I am too fat and I want to
pretend to be think and “beautiful”. Obsession over makeup was part of it, don’t
get me wrong I love makeup; however I started hiding behind makeup at least in
my head. People notice insecurities and people use them, when you won’t appreciate
yourself then nobody will do it for you.
One idea can change someone’s life, my idea came from
rebelling. I wanted to rebel over my standards of beauty and confidence. I
wanted to rebel over the idea of being controlled or used by anybody, just because
I had this kind of insecurity. I am actually feeling the difference, I am not
letting anything define me and that is very liberating. If you are in a
relationship and you let it define you, it will be very hard to solve your
problems and even harder to leave. You being in a relationship not defining who
you are, however still fighting will make you release that you are fighting for
love not for security. Not letting your job or how much do you earn define you
will help you in doing the right things in the right way. You won’t be scared
of anybody or anything, you will have better conversations and smarter work.
I decided that I will be confident and that I am beautiful,
I got myself a haircut because I needed to kill my split ends and because I
like myself. I started buying myself nice clothes, and I started accepting
taking full body shots. I am not scared of looking huge if I wear heels, okay just
a little bit maybe. I am not fully confident yet, however I am on baby steps to
confidence. I found the problem and that’s 50% of the solution, starting the solutions
just to cut the BS and love yourself. Which is why I am starting my visual
diary on this blog, this might be the first +size visual size in Egypt or the Middle
East and I am glad. I am so glad that I will be representing these fashionistas
out there and helping more people gain confidence. I want to make people feel
comfortable in their skin and dressing the way they like at any size or shape.
Would I still lose weight? Absolutely. Why? Because I have
desk bulge which is a serious condition that needs me to be lighter, because I
don’t want to risk health problems from obesity. My goal is fit and healthy, I
am currently repelled by the look of the ana-mia girls. I care about my health,
and my weight doesn’t define me. I am trying, I am falling; however I am
standing again.
